In Loving Memory: Winnie

Posted on by jasonalanunderwood

My memory isn’t quite what it used to be, but a this point that goes without saying. Who remembers ALL of the important dates from their childhood anyway? At present, I don’t know exactly when my parents and I got Winnie. I’m guessing the mid 80’s. maybe 1985 or 1986. I could be wrong.

She was a Dachshund/Lhasa Apso mix, and probably the sweetest dog I ever had. Winnie fell asleep with you when she knew you needed company or cheering up. Absolutely LOVED tummy rubs.

Winnie was there when I first moved to Porterville in 1990 and had trouble adjusting to living in a new place.

She had a rather peculiar habit for a dog, stemming from all the times my dad took her hunting. I’ve only actually seen her do it once, but to catch a bird Winnie wouldn’t wait for it to fly low to the ground… she would somehow manage to climb one of the trees in our back yard and the next thing you know there would be a present in one of my mom’s shoes.

My parents, for whatever reason, never got Winnie fixed. She kept having litter after littler until the last one nearly killed her. Following that tragic birthing process (none of the puppies survived), the poor old girl’s health rapidly declined.

I was 17 years old when I discovered the large tumor on her stomach. While I vaguely knew about cancer, I had no idea dogs could also suffer from it. My knowledge, simply put, had been limited to whispers prior to Winnie’s diagnosis. The word Melanoma just sounded so alien to me, so unreal. I didn’t want it to be true, and tried to ignore the inevitability. The one day the tumor ruptured and there was nothing anyone could do to her.

I cried for weeks, possibly months after Winnie had to be put down. I still think about her often, and she is the primary reason why I love being involved with Bark For Life so much. Cancer doesn’t discriminate, even when it comes to our furry loved ones. Animals deserve to be fought for just as much as humans do in regards to this horrible disease.

My MS Journey Part 1: Fatigue & Walking Difficulty

Posted on by jasonalanunderwood

The following will be an eight part blog mini-series describing in great detail my various MS symptoms, and how I feel about them. I’m doing because I finally realized that in either face-to-face conversations or those involving online private messages I still haven’t fully come to terms with this horrible disease. Call it an exercise in mental health if you will. I simply feel like this NEEDS to be discussed, not just for my sake but or those who have MS and don’t know a lot about it.

FATIGUE

Fatigue as it relates to MS is not unlike how morning sickness might affect pregnant women – it can’t tell the time of day. Too often I wake up in the morning as exhausted as if I had stayed up all night, even in situations where I went to bed early. Rather than jump headlong into any physical activity I try to do something fun and engaging to stimulate my brain. The goal, obviously, is to push past that fog clouding my basic functions so that I’m not completely useless. Sometimes it works, and there are other occasions on which it doesn’t. Regardless, it’s always better to try than to sit there and let that dreaded fog swallow me whole.

Here’s an example of an incident type that leaves me with little or no strength to fight – car rides. It doesn’t matter if my wife and I are driving around town, or taking a long trip out of state. I fall asleep every time despite how much I fight the urge to close my eyes. The worst part is when I can’t explain why I dozed off in the first place. I get confused, irritable, and defensive. I hate showing that side of my personality, the easily-frustrated aspect of a normally easy-going attitude. It makes me look like the bad guy, but inside I feel much worse.

WALKING DIFFICULTY

Growing up I prided myself on being a fast runner. I always got such a thrill out of it. Whenever I moved incredibly fast with my feet firmly on the ground and my hair flapping in the wind, it literally felt like I was flying. I was in Track from 2nd to 6th Grade, competing in numerous meets. I walked/ran everywhere, mostly to and from school. I wasn’t very good at skateboarding but it was truly a sight to see whenever I had my roller blades on. Being able to use my legs that much gave me a strong sense of freedom and independence that consistently gave me a natural high.

Back in 2001 I suffered a major leg injury. I attempted to save a cat from getting mauled to death in my back yard and knowing there wasn’t much time to go the long way around, I aimed to clear the wooden picket fence in one jump. Instead of achieving that goal, I landed in such a way that a couple slats impacted both of my legs, one on each side. The pain came instantaneously and was nothing short of unbearable.

I saw my then-regular doctor soon after but the reaction I got from him was not what I had expected. He gave me a physical therapy pamphlet and sent me on my way. No scans of any kind, or medication. It left like such a slap in the face. I went home, and quietly endured the excruciating cramps until I discovered the only thing that could quiet them – alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

I don’t think I need to fully express how terrible of an idea that sounds. In the moment, I was desperate. Exercising wasn’t working. Pills were non-existent. Between the physical and emotional pain I dealt with on a daily basis, it’s no wonder why I became an alcoholic. I longed for the day when I could run like I used to, without having to stop because my legs couldn’t take me any farther than a block.

As I entered college in 2007 I stopped drinking altogether. I focused on my education 100 % and let the pain go from a loud roar to a hushed whisper. I got straight A’s and maintained a 4.0 in my first year. Rather than walk to each class room, I ran. I even joined a gym for physical therapy and soon discovered that I was insanely good at it. Back then my fastest lap time had been 9 seconds. It’s now 6. In December of 2008 I had a mild stroke while on campus, which essentially destroyed all the progress I made.

Lately my mobility has taken a turn for the worse. I can’t run at all and can barely walk at all except for when there’s proper motivation. Disneyland, Relay For Life events, stuff like that. Grocery shopping is definitely not in the same category. Wal-Mart on a Sunday in particular is a living nightmare.

The day is coming soon when I’ll need a wheelchair, and that’s something I would very much like to avoid if possible.

Glinda vs. Billie

Posted on by jasonalanunderwood

I had a set list of topics I was going to discuss in great detail over the course of a week, but there’s one particular issue that I feel needs to be aired out before everything else. By now a lot of people are already aware of the story behind my twin black cats, Glinda and Billie. Long story short, their mother Willow sadly had to be humanely euthanized after she suffered a major stroke. The twins look JUST LIKE her, and that’s the primary reason why I can’t seem to get behind the idea of finding them new homes. Letting them go would simply be too painful, even though it’s been almost a year (or more) since Willow passed away.

Now, I’l be perfectly honest. My wife and I fought HARD over this. Both of us cussing and yelling. Me screaming at her so loud it terrified her. I’m not an abusive person by any means, I just don’t know how to control my emotions. I took some time out to really think about this objectively and here is the Pros/Cons list I came up with…

IF Glinda and Billie stayed 

I would feel like Willow’s spirit would still be present

The would never be separated

IF Glinda and Billie found new homes

We wouldn’t have to buy as much cat food or litter

We wouldn’t have to pay $60 for them to be spayed

We wouldn’t be risking as much property damage

There are other factors involved, too…

1) Billie random climbs into my lap when I’m sitting at the computer and falls asleep. I don’t even have to hold her. Glinda is much more anti-social. When I try to pick her up, she brings her claws out.

2) Lately they’ve been fighting. Chasing each other around the house, knocking things over, riling up the dogs. Billie is to the point now where she prefers my company over her sister’s.

3) Glinda isn’t a BAD cat, she’s just too wild.

I guess I’ve already made my decision.

A heartfelt plea to all recovering alcoholics

Posted on by jasonalanunderwood

After a bad break up back in 2007, I finished off a whole big bottle of Vodka by myself. Straight, no chasers. Ironically the bottle had been a joint purchase with the ex in question. It took an online friend badgering me about my symptoms to get me to realize what exactly I had… alcohol poisoning. I felt like I was going to die. My head was spinning, and the stomach cramps made me feel like an alien was going to burst through my rib cage. Had still been living with my parents and they had no idea that I was an alcoholic. I always either drank alone, or as I alluded to, with “her.” I didn’t want to disappoint them with the truth, so I hid in my room and only came out when I had to.

I focused on getting better, and got sober on my own terms. It wasn’t easy. There had been a lot of temptation, but I did it. Not for them or anyone else, but for me. In the end I decided to quit because I simply loved being alive more than polluting my body with all the booze my high tolerance could handle. I haven’t had a drink in 8 years, and my life has been so much better because of it.

I got married. I have wonderful pets – two dogs and three cats. I work at a graphic arts studio during the day and at night I run my own collectible business through eBay. I’m heavily involved in Relay For Life, raising money for cancer research. This fall I’m even starting a bold new venture… taking voice acting lessons. I wouldn’t have any of this now if I hadn’t quit back then. Amazing things can happen when you stop drinking.

My advice? Listen to other people’s stories, hear things from their perspective, learn from their examples. You just might find the help that you need.

P.S. I thought it was so cool when I surrounded this Black Pearl play-set I had with empty Rum bottles. I had a Jack Sparrow figure too, pointing a sword at one of them. When I ended up moving out of my parents’ house, I had my mom recycle them all. I later sold the set and the figure as well. Fun as it had been, my health was more important than a potentially hazardous reminder.

CGC: More of a challenge than I thought

Posted on by jasonalanunderwood

I started out my Relay fundraising this year with a bang. Donating my smaller cuts from outside sales. 25 % of all Disney trading pin sales. Loot Crate? 100 % across the board. I was doing so well. Then, I ran out of pins to post and what with getting behind on shipping orders out I also had to put paying certain people on-time on the back burner. I kept telling myself that if I can just make enough extra cash by throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks, I could afford whatever needed to be done. That’s the thing about wishful thinking, sometimes it comes back to bite you in the ass.

When any given item goes down to $1 I give it a week and then mark it down to 25 cents. Another week goes by, then it’s a penny. Sometimes this trick works, but far too often lately it hasn’t been. That’s the main reason why I wanted to grade comics. Logic dictates that selling ungraded comics on eBay is a gamble because if the issue in question is not a particularly popular one, you’re just wasting your time. A comic that’s been appraised by CGC – again, depending on what it is – could very well be worth upwards of $200. That’s a big difference, going from a $1 starting bid to a $200+ Buy It Now option.

Oh, I thought I was so clever. Harley Quinn variants. Loot Crate exclusives. Star Wars first prints. All had tremendous potential to bring in a reasonable profit. What actually happened was, well, nothing. The first week, there were no offers on any of the graded comics. A lot of watchers on Harley Quinn #7, the Bombshell variant cover. 60-70 views on each of the auctions. Zero interest. I was so disappointed.

I kept the maximum values the same, and set the starting bids to a quarter of each of those numbers. I figured it was better than going down to a dollar a piece and losing a ton of money in the process. I might not get as much as I hoped but oh well. $40-$50 for one graded comic is better than practically giving it away.

At present, there’s still no bids. I advertised on my Facebook business page as well as Twitter. Someone should have forked over the dough by now. This isn’t simply me struggling to pay my bills (among other necessities). I had planned on donating 25 % of the individual totals to Relay For Life. I don’t get it. Frustrated as I am, I’m not a quitter. I’ll keep going until these beauties are sold.

$47.56 $190.24 Buy It Now

$47.56
$190.24
Buy It Now

http://www.ebay.com/itm/271803267974?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1558.l2649

$50.00 $200.00 Buy It Now

$50.00
$200.00
Buy It Now

http://www.ebay.com/itm/271803269378?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1558.l2649

$43.09 $172.36 Buy It Now

$43.09
$172.36
Buy It Now

http://www.ebay.com/itm/281626873898?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1558.l2649

$18.63

$18.63

http://www.ebay.com/itm/281626874432?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1558.l2649

It seems like I’m always falling behind

Posted on by jasonalanunderwood

It’s true. I’m terrible about keeping up with my blog just as much as I am about showing up for work or properly managing my business. I haven’t been to the studio in a couple weeks. I voluntarily stayed home to catch up on eBay. I had no choice because the service fee this month was about $91 and if I didn’t find a way to make more money, I wouldn’t be able to afford the shipping on any orders. I ended up being a week late on most items, and while most people were understanding one person became so enraged that he demanded a full refund. I think I had been busy that day hanging up Bark For Life fliers and after I had gotten home, as I was preparing the refund, he kept sending me angry messages threatening to leave negative feedback if I didn’t get on with it. I was a consummate professional through the exchange despite the urge to say “Look, asshole. Do you want your refund delivered via PayPal or suppository?”

That being said, I’m mostly caught up. I got paid almost $50 and Monday more orders will be shipped. Hopefully, whatever’s left. The only bad thing about this time off from my real job? The yard is STILL not finished. At this rate it’s going to take me a few months to get it looking nice again. The front is somewhat presentable, but the back is a jungle. Forget sheers and a weed eater, I’m going to need a fucking machete. Might as well get a hockey mask and pretend like the weeds are teenagers while I’m at it.

What a man can do, and what a man can’t do

Posted on by jasonalanunderwood

The following was written on February 13, 2015…

It’s been slow at work lately. Despite arriving a tiny bit late, I’ve been leaving around 3 instead of staying until 5. Javier is backed up on orders so the bulk of the work is being done after hours. As a result, my projects have been limited to inventory, trash, and general clean up. With MS rearing its ugly head as much as it is right now, I’m very thankful for the lighter schedule. I love my job, but it’s hard to accomplish anything when I can barely walk.

I got up shortly after 8 this morning and went right to work cutting the weeds down in the front yard with these giant lawn sheers I borrowed from my boss. I knew almost instantly that I’d only be able to cut/pull for half an hour. Bending over like I was felt like I had been put in some sort of medieval torture device. From my neck down the pain went through the roof. I kept going, only taking breaks for water. I came to the conclusion that if I worked on the front yard for 30 minutes a day I could have it completely done in 2 weeks. I could go faster, I just don’t think my body can handle it.

eBay on the other hand is an entirely different animal. I could sit there in front of the computer and do inventory on 10-20 items at a time before I start yawning. Technically most of the work is done for me, in regards to having them on my desk and simply comparing prices online. The only issue I have, to be perfectly honest, is posting so much of my own collectibles to the point where I’m running out. There’s all this “small stuff” and once it’s sold there will be a week-long period during which I won’t be able to sell anything on eBay. Such an excruciating wait for the four comics I’m having graded, I tell you. Definitely worth the effort in the long run.

Like I always say, “When I’m not working I’m working.” Odd jobs at the studio, yard work at home, inventory for my business. It’s rewarding no matter what, varying degrees of exhaustion aside. I just have to keep in mind that I’m not superhuman. My body has limits, after all.

I’m late, I’m late!

Posted on by jasonalanunderwood

The following was written on Thursday…

I was late for work today. A few things needed to be done around the house before I could leave, which was no big deal. Litter boxes, trash, etc. Made sure the animals had food and water. You know, the basics. When I realized how much time had passed I rushed to get ready and then headed out. Halfway down the road I forgot to check on the status of a PayPal transfer and had to run back home. On my way out (again), I ran so I could make it to the first turn faster. My parents drove by… I know it was them because I remember what their truck looks like. My dad honked, but didn’t stop to offer me a ride. Heaven forbid they lend assistance to their son, who has a chronic illness that could cause him to collapse. In the moment there wasn’t enough luxury to dwell on the insult. I had to keep going, hurt feelings or not.

I made that turn and 3/4 of the way along the final stretch I saw my bus coming up behind me. I flagged the driver down and thankfully he stopped right there. He didn’t have to, but chose to be nice despite regulations that might call for him to keep going until the next marker. Funny how a perfect stranger can show kindness but my parents can’t. Oh well. I got on safely, that’s all that mattered. My legs felt like mush and I wanted to pass out, yet there I was, like some kind of conquering hero after a hard-fought battle.

That’s actually what it feels like on a daily basis. I wake up and slowly get out of bed. I shuffle to either the bathroom or to the front door to let the dogs out. My mind’s awake, while my body is lagging behind. I never want to be up too early. However, I’ve been getting up between 7 and 9 a.m. for the past week. This after staying up late the previous night, working on eBay stuff to make extra money. I’m almost certain the exhaustion is stemming from a persistent MS flare up. Unfortunately, there isn’t much I can do so I keep moving forward with what needs to be done. I desperately want my life to seem as normal as possible.

The second I got to work, I checked the inventory. Folded shirts that were in need of straightening up, and then took out the trash. I found a Star-Lord POP figure at the collectible shop next door. The price tag said $4, but one of the owners sold it to me for $2. Considering it’s worth $28, that was an awesome find. The only other task I was given involved cleaning excess ink off of small tubs that are used during the screen printing process. Javier warned me it’d be a bit tedious, so I only set out to finish five of those.

I must have been at work for about 4 hours. Not very long at all. Still, it’s not like I was sitting on my ass accomplishing absolutely nothing. I enjoy being more active in this manner. Walking to the bus stop, catching a ride to work, getting my hands dirty. It helps me to not focus so much on family drama and my condition. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do without my job. It may be challenging in more ways than one, but it is so worth it.

Them’s Fightin’ Words

Posted on by jasonalanunderwood

I find it immensely ironic that I started this blog to discuss how I deal with Multiple Sclerosis, and at present I haven’t written about it in quite a while. There’s an easy-enough explanation for that. I felt that by discussing such an emotional topic as often as I had been I would only continue to drag myself down. Bad things happen on occasion, nobody can predict or prevent negative occurrences. When you have a gut feeling that something might go wrong though, you do everything in your power to stay positive.

So, I veered off into other subjects concerning my hobbies, daily life, work environment, and personal philosophies. Simply put, I am not the personification of my own illness. I’m far much more than an individual who – at any given point in time – will struggle with his mobility. I’m still active, walking and talking. Should I need to get something off my chest unrelated to MS, there’s no better outlet than this one. When I get excited about awesome news I can’t help sharing it with everyone. Unfortunately there are also days where tragedy strikes and I could use all the moral support I can get.

As long as I’m breathing, I intend on just being me. Anything less might be considered a sign of giving up and I refuse to throw in the towel for any particular reason.

Animal Cruelty is NOT okay

Posted on by jasonalanunderwood

Earlier today before I left for work, the dogs were going crazy. I didn’t think anything of it because they usually bark just because other dogs nearby are doing it or as a result of someone randomly pulling into the big dirt driveway. Come to find out they were actually reacting to one of my neighbors shooting birds by that big tree that happens to be near our “parking space.” I was just going outside to see if the garage was open so I can put laundry in the washer, and all of a sudden he starts apologizing for something I had no idea even occurred.

His excuse was that the sparrows carry mites and attack the humming birds in his yard. The birds he was shooting at in that moment, weren’t doing a damn thing to him. They were simply looking for a high enough place to build their nests and perch. That’s it.  He had the nerve to come over to our house, close to our car and windows, shooting a gun at seemingly harmless birds. Kept talking about how he also got a Starling (whatever that is) in his yard and encouraged his dogs to attack it like it was a toy.

I wanted to tell him off so bad. One, they’re still living things. There’s more humane ways of dealing with the situation. Two, shooting a gun BY OUR HOUSE?! What the hell was he thinking? What if he missed and it went through a window and hit one of our pets? What if it hit either my wife, or myself?

Honestly, I wanted to cry. I value the lives of animals as much as I do that of humans. To hear a person openly discuss their own cruelty as if it’s perfectly acceptable makes me sick.

Beyond what I’ve already said, there are no more words.